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I'm Not Sure I Believe In Checklists Anymore

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Category: Dating - Online and Offline
By kelgood - Wednesday, November 30, 2016 - No Comments


I couldn't believe my eyes. Were they lying to me?

The picture in the online profile looked like the picture of a girl, but could I be sure?

The full sentence read as follows:

"Now I could give you a list of things that I am looking for in a man but I'm not sure I believe in checklists anymore."

This left me dumb founded. Because you girls are told by every dating coach and relationship expert on the planet that this is the exact opposite of what you should do. Abandon your check list.

And experience confirms that when using online dating you are not seeking to meet up with potential partners.

Nope.

You're seeking to eliminate guys so you don't "waste your time."

Wasting your time means going out with guys who are not "relationship material." Guys who aren't "ready to commit."

So those of us who advise guys have to tell them to do the minimum they can in their online profile so they don't give you something to disqualify them by.

I'll say it over and over again

This is not the way to go about things.

It is not the way things work in the real world, so why should they work that way online?

In the real world when you meet a guy you can't tell if he meets your criteria list. You simply encounter him and experience his energy. You decide if you want to explore things deeper when he first approaches you and asks you out.

Hey, in today's world there is no reason you can't ask him out if you like what you encounter! At a minimum you can make it very clear to him you'd be open to getting to know him.

There was a scene once on the TV series Friends where Lisa Kudrow's character is sitting at her desk at work when a man enters the office and asks her name.

When she tells him he says, "That's a beautiful name."

She responds with, "If you like the sound of my name, wait until you hear my phone number."

Obviously she had some initial attraction to him.

Beyond that though she didn't stop him to see how he sized up to her criteria list. She just made it possible for him to seek to get to know her if he was interested.

This is really what you should be doing online too. Making yourself available.

Quit trying to head hunt potential criteria list qualifiers and get out there and meet guys so you can get to know them.

Lots of people don't look good in their profile. Many good people aren't the best at writing online messsages. But when you meet them in person they completely surprise you. And when they do, your criteria list goes out the window too!

Because it doesn't matter any more.

You've encountered a real, live, flesh and blood person and you like what you see and hear and feel.

So where do these criteria lists come from, and why do you girls do this?

First thing you should know is usually girls in their 20s don't have big criteria lists.

They are just open to dating and encountering guys. They are where the phrase "girls just want to have fun" came from!

It is only when you girls turn 30 that you begin creating these ridiculous dating filters.

Why do you do this?

Part of it is biological. Nature has wired you to want to have 1-2 babies before your time on earth is done. If you haven't started down this path by the time you hit 30 the pressure is on. Now your "provider hunter" instincts kick into overdrive.

It doesn't even matter if you consciously want children, something in there still creates that urgency.

So instead of meeting guys to just get to know them and see where things go, you interview them on the first date to verify their qualifications for the job as father and provider of your children.

Can you see how silly this is?

Another reason you create the criteria list has to do with your relationship history.

AKA, baggage.

Younger girls haven't been burned yet. They haven't had their heart broken and been let down by love.

They still believe in the Disney fantasy of "happily ever after" and haven't seen just how uncaring and insensitive guys can actually be.

But now you know the score.

Been there. Done that.

Never again!

You set out to identify "Mr Wrong" right up front. So he doesn't get the chance to hurt you like the others did. Enter your baggage and your criteria list.

Guess what girls? This is a major reason why guys are "naturally" more attracted to younger girls.

It's not only their youthful looks. Younger girls don't come with criteria lists and they don't come with baggage.

Most younger girls are trusting and loving and fun. They exude the kind of energy guys want to experience from a girl.

Of course we all have baggage. Even the younger girls do.

In fact the biggest baggage younger girls have is their immaturity and lack of experience in the real world. You could call it "inverse" baggage.

Because another word for baggage is experience.

There is nothing wrong with experience. It is how you respond to it. Especially when it's been tough.

To be honest with you, even though the younger girls have their youthful looks and often perkier personalities and attitude towards life, most guys would love to be in a relationship with a more mature girl in her 30s and beyond, if she could just come to the plate without the criteria list and provider hunter requirements and without an attitude on about her experiences so far.

I've said before that the real reason people don't have love in their life is they don't want it.

This criteria list and provider hunter pattern is embedded in the things I said there.

The fact is what you want is your criteria list, you don't want love.

This is why romantic love fails. We put everything else ahead of it. Your criteria list is just one of the many things you do this with.

Listen. It's your life.

I'm not telling you that you can't have your criteria list if you want that. I'm not telling you that you can't go after everything on that list.

What I am telling you is the things on your list aren't love.

And if they are more important to you than love, you are going to end up with them, not love.

My hope for you though is that you'll learn from this girl I encountered online and lose your faith in that criteria list.

It really is a barricade to finding true love, no matter how much it looks like the right thing to do.

What do you think? Is is time to give up your criteria list so you can experience real love in your life?

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